THE PARROT

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I
wonder what happened to this parrot?"



The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."



"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"



"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."



"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"



"Well,"
the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap
my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it
because of my feathers."



"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"



"Actually,
I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable
competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics,
philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy
me. I'd be a great companion."



The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."



"Pssssssst,"
says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause
I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the
guy an offer!"



The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.



Weeks
go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's
interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.



One
day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst,"
and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you
this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."



"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.



"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."



"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"



"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.



"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"



"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."



Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"



"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

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Why God made Moms

Why God made Moms -- BRILLIANT answers given by 2nd grade school children

to the following questions!!

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring

3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger

parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in

the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use

string, I think.

Why did God give you Your mother not some other mom?

1. We're related

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.



3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk

on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to

chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof

ball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause

that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of

plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of

that.

2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it

and not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of

her head.

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Are you sure you want to tell that blonde joke????

A guy is having a drink in a bar.

He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"



The
big woman replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know
some things. Sure, I'm blonde, and six feet tall, 210 lb. and I'm a
professional triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde woman sitting next
to me is 6'2" and 220; she's an ex-pro wrestler. Next to her is a
blonde who's 6'5", weighs 250 lb., and she's a kick boxer
professional. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"



The guy blinks and swallows, thinks about it a second and says; "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times!"

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