"There is no toilet paper over here, do you have any over there?"
The second man replies, "No, sorry, I don't seem to have any, either."
The first man then asks, "Well, do you have a magazine or newspaper?"
The second man says, "No, sorry!"
The first man goes silent for a few moments, then inquires, "Do you have change for a twenty?"
A executive is on a buisness trip touring Britain and he decides to give his wife a call. The maid answers.
"Hello I'd like to speak to my wife please." he says.
The maid replies "No I'm, afraid she's in bed with her lover at the moment"
The man is obviously shocked and so he asks the maid, "Would you like to earn $10,000 in a few minutes?"
"Yeah sure," The maid answers,"What do I need to do?"
"Take my shotgun out of the closet, walk into the bedroom and shoot them both." He hears two muffled shots and then the maid says,
"What shall I do with the bodies?" she says.
"Bury them in the back yard next to the swimming pool." he tells her.
"What swimming pool?" she enquires.
"Is this 24 Acia Terrace...?"
One day Bob goes to the hardware shop and buys a bathtub.
A couple of days later he goes back to the shop and complains that whenever he puts water in the bath it always runs out the bottom so he can't fill it up.
The shop assistant tells him: "You need to buy a plug, mate."
and Bob says "You b*****d! You never told me it was electric!"
A business man is getting onto a plane for a very long flight. He is shown to his seat which happens to be next to a blonde woman. He turns to her and says "Why don't we play a game to make the time go quicker. I'll ask you a question and if you get it wrong you give me £5 and vice-versa."
The blonde declines and turns to go to sleep. So the man says "Ok then, how about for every question you get wrong you pay me £5, and for every one I get wrong I pay you £50?"
Sensing this man won't quit she agrees. So the man asks the first question "What's the distance between the earth and the moon?"
The blonde thinks but has no idea, so she hands the man £5. Then she asks her question "What goes up a hill with four legs and comes down with three?"
The man thinks but is unable to come up with an answer, so he gets out his lap top and searches the internet but with no luck. So he gets his mobile and rings all his friends but none of them can help. After about two hours of this he turns to the blonde, who by this time has fallen asleep, he wakes her and says "Ok, I give up, I dont have the answer."
And with that he hands her £50. She thanks him and turn to go back to sleep. "Well?" the man asks "What does go up a hill with four legs and comes down with three?"
Without blinking the woman reaches into her purse and hands the man £5.
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.
There was a bus conductor, and he was good at his job.
He worked at it for a long time, and after several years of this, he ended up getting really dissatisfied.
One day, he went into work, and the first person who asked him for money had 3 screaming children. They just wouldn't shut up, no matter what he did.
The next person didn't have change, and had to break a £20. By this point the Conductor was just fuming.
"One more person pisses me off today," he says "and I swear I'm going to slaughter the whole damn bus!"
Sure enough, the next person who he asks didn't have any money at all. He flipped, pulled out a machete, and killed everyone on board.
He was taken away, and the Judge, apalled by the severity of his crime, issues the Death Sentence.
So he lives in Death Row for a few years before finally being led to the Electric Chair.
The executioner asked him what he wanted for his last meal. "A green banana" says the man. So the executioner hands him a green banana. He very deliberately eats it, before being led away.
He straps him into the machine, and turns the electricity on. After a minute, they shut the machine down. The man is sitting there, completely unharmed. "Hmm... maybe the machine's on the blink. We'll try again tomorrow."
So the next day, they try again, and again ask him what he wants as his last meal. Again, the man asks for a green banana. One again, he eats it, they strap him in, and again, leaving it on for a minute, the man is there, completely unharmed.
This follows on for the next week, each time the man eating a green banana, then the electrocution failing.
Eventually they decide they're going to have to try the lethal injection.
This is going to be a different executioner, so the first executioner says to the man "can I just ask you one thing?"
"Sure" says the doomed man.
"What's your secret? What is it about the bananas that makes you invulnerable to electrocution?"
"Nothing," says the man "I'm just a bad conductor!"
A Physicist, a Mathmatician and a Biologist are sitting in a café, looking out the window at a deralict house across the street. After a few minutes two people walk into the house. A few minutes pass, then they see three people leave the house.
The Biologist says that the people must have reproduced.
The Physicist says that the original measurement must have contained an inaccuracy.
The Mathmatician says that now, if one more person enters the house it will be empty again.
A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.
"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"
"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin Just Fine!"
And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over to your place after while?"
Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.
I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"
The professor started the class by telling them, “In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body”
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them,
A shy guy sees a beautiful lady in a bar. After an hour of summoning up the courage, he goes over and asks tentatively:
"Um, would you mind if I chatted to you for a while?"
She immediately yells: "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar stares at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly embarrassed and slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him. "I'm sorry I embarrassed you," she smiles "I'm a psychology student and I'm seeing how people respond to an embarrassing situation."
To which the man responds, at the top of his lungs: "What do you mean, £200?"
An old lady goes into a supermarket and takes 3 tins of cat food and walks up to the checkout to pay.
"No, I can't sell them to you," said the woman at the checkout.
"Why not?" asked the old lady.
"We need proof that you own a cat. You see, some old people are known to take cat food home and eat it for themselves, according to government research," explained the woman, "and the government forbid us to sell unless you have proof."
"Hold that thought," said the old lady. She rushes home and comes back holding her cat, and the woman sells her the cat food.
The next day the same old lady comes in and tries to buy 3 tins of dog food.
"No, I can't do that," said the woman. "We need proof that you own a dog, because government research says.."
"Whatever," snapped the old lady. She rushes home and brings her dog in and takes the dog food.
The next day the old lady comes in, holding a large tank with a hole on the top.
"Stick your hand in there," said the lady.
"There could be something poisonous in there like a python," said the woman at the checkout.
After the old lady finally persuades her that there is nothing dangerous in there, the woman sticks her hand in.
"This feels like shit," said the woman.
"There's your proof. Can I have three rolls of toilet paper?" asked the old lady.
Love is a sensation; caused by a temptation; to feel penetration; a guy sticks his location; in a girl's destination; to increase the population; for the next generation; did you get my explanation; or do you need a demonstration?
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop; with them are their 12 children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her 12 children are able to fit in the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!"
The blind man replies, "If you would have put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be on the bus right now, so shut the hell up...
A little boy wanted $50 very badly and prayed for
weeks, but nothing
happened. Finally he decided to write God a letter
requesting the $50.
When the postal authorities received the letter
addressed to God, USA,
they decided to forward it to the President of the
United States as a
joke. The President was so amused, that he instructed
his secretary to
send the little boy a $20 bill. The President thought
this would appear
to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy
was delighted with
the $20 bill, and decided to write a thank you note to
God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.
However, I
noticed that you sent it through the White House in
Washington, DC
and those assholes deducted $30.00 in taxes.
